DUDE. THE MUSICAL

ACT ONE

A BOWLING ALLEY IN LA.

THE BOWLERS BOWL IMAGINARY BALLS. EVENTUALLY THE SOUNDTRACK OF THEIR STRIKES BUILDS UP A RHYTHM AND THEY BEGIN A SONG…

BOWLERS CHORUS BEGINS THE BEST FUCKING OPENING NUMBER EVER:

IT’S A GAME.

IT’S MORE THAN A GAME.

IT’S A SPORT.

BUT IT’S NOT JUST A SPORT.

IT’S HOW YOU PLAY IT.

IT’S HOW YOU ROLL.

IT’S THE WAY OF THE WORLD

IT’S THE PATH OF THE SOUL!

GUTTERS & STRIKES!

THAT’S REALLY ALL IT IS IT’S

GUTTER AND STRIKES!

IT’S REALLY JUST SHOWBIZ IT’S

GUTTERS AND STRIKES! GUTTERS & STRIKES! GUTTERS & STRIKES!

THE BOWLERS GO BACK TO BOWLING AND THE SPOTLIGHT S FALLS ON THREE MEN SETTING UP TO BOWL. THE DUDE, WALTER AND DONNY.

That rug, man.

I know, Dude.

I loved that rug.

And they peed on it.

Who peed on it?

Shut the fuck up Donny.

The Chinaman.

Communists?

No, Donny. These were thugs. I doubt they had…you know…affiliation with…Maoistic…in the purist sense of the word.

Walter, what the fuck are you talking about?

Yeah, Walter. What the fuck are you talking about?

NOW THE BOWLERS BEGIN TO DANCE ON THE LANES. BEST FUCKING CHOREOGRAPHY EVER.

GUTTERS AND STRIKES!

ONE DAY YOU’RE SNUG

AS A BUG IN A  RUG

THEY PULL IT OUT FROM UNDER YOU

THEY ASK FOR THE MONEY

THAT THEY’RE OWED FROM BUNNY

SHE’S JUST A SLUT WHO FUCKS WHO SHE LIKES!

GUTTERS AND STRIKES!

That rug really tied the room together, did it not?

Yes, it did.

And they peed on it.

Donny…

DUDE:

WHAT IS A MAN IF HE AIN’T GOT A RUG?

SURE, HE’S GOT A DRINK AND A GAME AND A DRUG.

BUT HE AIN’T GOT A RUG.

IT’S A RUG THAT IS SOILED.

IT’S LIFE THAT HAS GONE OFF THE RAILS

IN A WORLD THAT IS SPOILED.!!!!!

DUDE JOINS THE CHORUS LINE OF BOWLERS/DANCERS FOR THE BEST FUCKING SOFT SHOE EVER.

GUTTERS AND STRIKES

DUDE: I REALLY DUG THAT  RUG.

GUTTERS AND STRIKES

DUDE: IT TIED THE ROOM TOGETHER.

AND EVERYONE KNOWS YOU CAN’T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU LIKE!!!!

DUDE: YOU’RE MISQUOTING THE FUCKING SONG, MAN

WHEN YOU LIVE A WORLD

FULL OF GUTTERS AND STRIKES!

WALTER:

Hey! Dude! I got an idea. The OTHER Lebowski. The MILLIONAIRE Lebowski.

CHORUS: GUTTERS AND STRIKES!

JAZZ HANDS AND FREEZE!!!

BLACKOUT

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